PICK UP LINES

Hi. What's up? Shut up.

Generally, when I walk into a bar, sporting event or Chuck E. Cheese, I wear a hypnotizing shirt, look in a girl's direction, bite my lip until it's just about to bleed, scowl until they feel ugly, then look away. I always leave with 1-2 ladies and a slice of pizza. With ranch dressing. Light ranch dressing. I like light ranch dressing.

But for uggos like yourselves, I'm going to teach you how to pick up ladies at a bar. You can't do it the way I do it... because you're not me. NO. YOU'RE NOT. I've been in 1-2 Massachusetts-based commercials and I use enough aerosol spray in the morning to kill a small army of geese and put a corn-sized hole in the ozone layer. So, yeah, you're not me.

Here's what you do:

Walk into a bar. Announce your arrival. Usually something like, "I HAVE ARRIVED" will do the trick. Yell it loud enough so that everybody hates you. Girls love to hate.

Order a vodka cran.

Aggresively nudge the guy next to you and say, "Cause I'm on my period."

Laugh hysterically.

Scope out the scene. Stay away from girls who look like they like themselves. Find one that's decked out in Tello's, wearing too much make-up and has a tear-stained face from crying in the bathroom over her daddy issues.

Order a cheap shot of tequila and a chilled Blueberi Stoli for yourself (because you're worth it) and send it her way. Raise your shot glass her way and yell "Cheers to the freakin' weekend" out loud.

Walk her way swiftly.

Ask her name, then as she starts to respond say, "I don't care."

Kiss her lips. Compliment her hairline. Tell her she looks like an aged pre-teen.

Tell her she's going home with you. DO NOT ASK. TELL.

Get your D wet and cry the whole next day until your Dominos order comes in the mail.

GET IT BRO?

Peace, love and penguins.